The War on Hannukah

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Bill O'Reilly thinks there's a War on Christmas because people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" and occasionally somewhere some genius screws up and forgets to add Christmas to a December holiday calendar. Whatever. Well, let me tell you something, Bill & friends: There's a War on Hannukah and not only have I seen it with my own two eyes - I'm a victim of it!

Yesterday at sundown was the very beginning of Hannukah this year. For those of you who don't know what the holiday is about, here's the quick version: A mean Greek asshole named Antiochus came in and put himself in charge of Judea (now known as Israel) long ago. He treated the Jews like shit (common theme in history), tried to force them all to think, act, and be Greek, took as much silver and gold he could from them, and killed a whole bunch of them. To top it off, he "installed" a new high priest who did nothing but steal silver and gold from the great temple in Jerusalem. After the Jews drove these guys out, there was almost nothing left of the temple. It was wrecked, and there was only enough oil left to light it up for one night. Amazingly, the oil lasted for eight nights - just long enough for the Macabees to fix up more lamp oil. That is why we celebrate eight days of Hanukkah - Nes gadol hayah sham ("A great miracle happened there.").

Hannukah and Christmas really have nothing in common except they both were originally entirely religious holidays but are now the biggest consumer spending holidays of the year (although Hannukah is only like this because of its proximity to Christmas).

Anyway, here's the meat & potatoes of this War on Hannukah. I no longer own a menorah (thing with candles that Jews light each night of Hannukah) because I gave mine back to my father when he moved out of state recently, and totally forgot about it until yesterday morning. At lunch I went around town to try and find one to purchase. I went everywhere I could think of that carried Hannukah stuff in the past. Grocery stores (which usually carry cheap/electric ones, candles, etc), to CVS, to hardware stores (they used to carry electric ones). I even went to an expensive Jewish gift store in Rockville, MD - which had menorahs but was closed for some reason (the holiday starts at sundown, not noon, damnit).

In total, I went to nine places to find a menorah, or at least some candles that I could light (you could very easily make a ghetto menorah using aluminum foil and the right candles). Turns out that not ONE of those nine places, with the exception of the Jewish gift store that was closed - had any menorahs, candles, or even Hannukah-related items. I even spoke to the managers at my nearest (and next nearest) grocery stores, since in recent years they always had candles. I got the same response from them both: "We didn't get any Jewish stuff this year, sorry."

Didn't get any "Jewish stuff" this year? You're kidding me, right? Every freaking store is covered ceiling to floor with Christmas decorations, candy canes, fake snowmen, and inflatable Christmas scenes while "Jingle Bells" is playing over the loud speakers, and there's not one bit of "Jewish stuff"?

War on Christmas my ass, Bill. The War on Hannukah, though? That's the real deal. No one ever wishes me a Happy Hannukah. No stores appear to be carrying "Jewish stuff". Hell, even the Adam Sandler "Hannukah Song" wasn't playing on the radio yesterday or today here in the DC area (at least on on DC101 and 98 Rock - the stations I listen to all day). So, you can take your "War on Christmas" and shove it up your self-righteous "traditionalist" ass.

To borrow and re-write a thought from my favorite rap/R&B artist, "America doesn't care about Hannukah."

So, I had to order a menorah online - it was the only place I could find one. It's a nice menorah, too. It's glass and metal in a very nice, contemporary pattern. It probably won't arrive till Hannukah is over, but that's fine. I'll say my prayers at sundown anyway, and thank God for the great miracle that happened so long ago in Israel. All the while, I'll be cursing Bill O'Reilly and all of the other morons that believe there's a "War on Christmas". Bah humbug.

Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and Joyous Kwanza.

Technorati Tags: War on Christmas, Bill O'Reilly, War on Hannukah, Hannukah.

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